I just need a moment...To try to focus myself in the moment.
And that is hard.
Not as hard as being a wife or parent... but it is a close 3rd.
It has been a rough few weeks, heck months, even years.
I decided that 2018 would be my time to focus on now and trying not to hold on to stress or feelings.
And I did okay for awhile...
The medical issues are pretty much resolved...
No thanks to Cincinnati Doctors - if you go to Group Health Associates down there, I highly recommend that you think twice!
I do have some weight to get off as a result of my thyroid history, but that is in process and I am hoping to be successful.
I was struggling with the spiritual home that I was trying to connect with (yes, I know...don't end a sentence with a preposition... and now, I haven't).
I just didn't have the right feeling from the minister. I know this sounds petty - but I want to go to a Unity Church. To have the minister, at the Unity Church, refer to her non-Unity training just bothered me. Heck, I was even doubting that she had ever been to Unity Village!
I always try to go three times before making a decision and I just couldn't make myself go back for that third time. Last week, I saw that she found a new spiritual home elsewhere and they will be looking for a new leader.
Is it bad that I felt a sense of relief?
I felt a tinge of guilt for a moment, but then I wished her well in her future and decided to keep an open mind about the future leader...
So, 2018 felt like it was going fairly smooth...
Right?
Wrong.
The last two weeks seriously felt like life was more of a roller coaster ride.
One minute up and the next plummeting to the ground (no lie or exaggeration even)...
At one point, I seriously had the thought - we moved to FLAT Michigan!!! Where did these huge drops come from?
Between work, wrapping up relocation, family issues (and there are more than one), it seems that spirit is throwing as much at me as she can and is just watching to see how I react.
And yes, I am just talking about the last two weeks.
Some moments (like now), I just want to throw it back in her face and tell her to Fu** Off.
Others, I try to get in the moment and figure out what I can do to get through it.
It seems to have worked (most of the time) with some of the relocation (though I am about to tell Mother Nature where she can shove it!), but I am seriously struggling with the family stuff.
I just keep reminding myself that I can only handle one thing at a time...
And there are three sides to every story and it is my challenge to get the truth...from a distance.
How to do that successfully will be a challenge. How to make someone understand that they are the only important thing in the situation and that they need to let me know what is going on is another challenge in itself. How to make sure that I don't presume, that I don't jump to conclusions...And at this moment - I have no idea...
Rereading that - I realized that someone who knows both situations (and there aren't many who do) may have trouble figuring out which one I am talking about.
But it is clear to me:
One, I have absolutely no control over - I can just watch and support.
The other, I may not have control - but I will not just stand by and watch. Not sure exactly what I am going to do yet, but I will figure it out.
I am going to stop...
I am going to breathe...
I am going to try to figure out how to get my peaceful life back...
It is time for MBB and I to be able to enjoy this life we have together...
That is my dream...
That is my goal...
And one that needs to be realized very soon.
Namaste.
